एक रईस  था मैं
दरख्तों भरा बगीचा था
हर एक पेड़ खून पसीने से सींचा था
एक ख़ुशी का आलम था , और
चहचाहट थी खुशियों की
अकेला था पर गम न था कोई

फिर आप दिखे एक मोड़ पर मुझे
अपनी मस्ती में खिलखिलाते हुए
न जाने क्यूँ समझा मैं की साथ की जरूरत है मुझे
साथ देने को आपका उस खुशनुमा बाग से निकल कर धुप में

साथ रहे  सड़कों पर हम
जब कुछ नहीं था पास हमारे
आलम था गरीबी का फिर भी
उस साथ पर फक्र था हमें
हर लम्हे की ख़ुशी लेते रहे तुम और हम खिलखिलाना ही देखते रहे

आज बहुत कुछ पा  लिया तुमने ,
तो अब ये साथ सालता है
गुरूर है तुम्हे उस रईसी का आज
आज येही साथ काट खाता है तुम्हे
आगे बढ़ गए तुम उस धुप से

मेरे उस दरख़्त पर अब किसी और का बाशिंदा है
धुप में जलते पैरों के साथ
आगे बढ़ता जाऊँगा मैं अकेले ही
फिर एक बग़ीचा बनेगा सूखी ज़मीन से
सबक दिया है मुझे ज़िन्दगी का तुमने
इस सबक को भूल न पाऊँगा

आज इलज़ाम है मुझ पर

जब आप के बुत की परछाईं में जीते थे हम
तब आपके चाहने वालों की शुमार में आते थे ,
आज उनके मुस्सलिमे के तले ठहरे तो
आपने उसे बुतपरस्ती बता मुझे काफ़िर बना दिया ..

आप की हर चोट पर हम उफ्फ्फ भी न करते थे
कभी आपका ग़म कभी गुस्सा समझा
पर आज जब आईना पकडे सामने आये आपके
ऊँगली उठाने का हमें इलज़ाम दे दिया ...

अब से माहौल बदलने लगा

एक दिन जो जैसे सालों बाद आया था
जब सूरज उगा नहीं
जब चाँद ने चांदनी बिखेरने से इनकार कर दिया

उस दिन आपसे मुदस्सर न हुई धडकनें
उस दिन न बरसा नूर आप की आवाजों का

और फिर बस ऐसे ही दिन बनते गए
न आप हैं न आप की खुशबू इस माहौल में
न उम्मीद है की उस हरफ के पीछे से खिलखिलाते आप चले आयेंगे

अब इस माहौल से पोशीदा हूँ मैं
और ये माहौल मेरे चारों तरफ फैलता जाता है

बिन शब्दों जो कहना चाहता था तुमसे

जब बरखा की वो बूँदें गिरती थी सूखे पत्तों पर

पत्ते खिल उठते थे हरे भरे से 

कभी न कुछ कहा उन बूंदों ने 

सिर्फ एक स्पर्श बहुत था ये बताने को

कि बूंदों को प्यार है इस धरा से 

धरा कि हर सूखी पत्ती से

जब नदी ने सागर को समर्पित किया था खुद को -

जब अस्तित्व मिटा कर खो गयी थी सागर में, 

कुछ भी न कहा था उस नदी ने खुद को खो कर भी 

यूं भी कोई शब्द बयाँ न कर पाता उस समर्पण को

यूं तो हैं कोटि शब्द उस शब्दावली में 

लेकिन उनके कंधे पे सर रख के रोने में वो सुकून है 

जो उन लाखों शब्दों के ढेर में नहीं मिलता -

नवजात शिशु की बंद पलकों संग , बंधी मुठ्ठी में 

माँ की ऊँगली पकड़ते प्रेम को किस शब्द में बयाँ कर पायेगी शब्दावली

जब शब्द नहीं कह सकते मेरे अंतर्मन की पीड़ा 

नहीं जता सकते इस ह्रदय का प्रेम

उस मुहब्बत की जुबान नहीं बन सकते

तो क्यूँ शब्दों की दुहाई देते हैं वो मुझे

कुछ न कहा मैंने कभी 

तो आँखों की ख़ामोशी का क्या कोई मोल नहीं

हर स्पर्श क्या नहीं कह जाता था हाल ए दिल तुम से---

न जाने क्यूँ वो एहसास न समझ पाए तुम

न जाने इन शब्दों का भी क्या अर्थ हो

पर चाहता हूँ, इन शब्दों में छुपे 

उस प्यार को समझाने में तुम समर्थ हो 

the last rendezvous!!

when we met last, you smiled at me

that stroll by the trees, and the look in your eyes

the tinkle in your giggle, the breeze whispering

and then winds picked up speed

it was a storm,  which hit us in the face

the gust of winds that blew us apart

and i did not know when we met last

that it was the last time i met you

once i was fearless
and conquered the world
since nothing would stop me
when the world changed i changed with it
so the new world would not frighten me again
was a friend with the world, and the world a friend to me

and then, one day, i became slower than the change
the world changed around me
and i did not move

i was afraid in the new world
felt the world had betrayed me
and so began the fight against the world
everything was adversary, everyone a enemy
they all appeared to scheme against me

i fought harder, only to find more enemies all around
i was restless to win
to be surrounded by a world full of friends

and then i killed my friends
since i could no longer see them as friends
and then i was all alone
fighting the entire world
the fiefdom i had kept shrinking
and then one day
when i lost to all
i started fighting myself
cut me bit me chopped me to pieces
i felt i had won
and then the pain came to haunt me
only to know i had killed my self

Random mumblings

Almost five months after taking the wedding vows, I am a changed man!! or so says, Gopal jee....one of the nice people I know from the old world school of thinking.... (incidently, I am a misplaced concoction - lost between new world and old world ) - i don't really agree


What i do agree to is the fact that things have changed - my house, my job and my life - and so have some of the thoughts and beliefs I lived with all these years - am trying to put some of them into perspective, words don't do justice to the complexities of life though :)

• Marriage isn't demanding - but the way we are born and brought up in life requires us to be nice people to the others around, and others may include wife - and so you start restricting yourself, so that the lady who has moved in leaving her life behind does not face the brunt of your adventurisms -- in my case "Biwi" has been supportive and never said a thing , and YET I have drastically reduced the outings and parties - this is also partially because my office is now 40 km from my house, and half the time I am more happy beating the traffic at rush hour, than plan late evening jists with friends
• A wise friend once told me "don't change three things together - house/city , work and social circle" - in my case the all 3 have badly changed and it shows up - i am still lost like a zombie!

Well, am planning a 15 day vacation sometime in January - February, and just can't seem to finalize the place...help me if you could - initial thoughts - Sri Lanka-Maldives or Bangkok-Cambodia-Vietnam or the north east...any more suggestions - welcome

Reflections

well, here I am again at the blog, after may be the most happening 4 months of my life.....and here are the lessons I learnt while at living it....

1. Its always more fun at other's weddings....ur own is a "smile-till-your-cheek-hurts" affair, when u are made to pose in random ways with your "better half" on stage for the benefit of the photographer, who charges a bomb for clicking your snaps in god-forsaken stupid poses, and then takes forever to deliver the snaps to you - and you while away smiling to strangers while your good friends are giggling and laughing away to all those memories you are a part of....
2. Deciding a menu for your wedding ranks next to "building a red fort and staying in a shanty" experience- 'coz all those tikkas you planned to melt away in your mouth, are sovoured by the guests while you melt away to the glaring hot halogen lights of the videograoher:(
3. After being a staunch votary of love marriage, or atleast know thou beau for all these years, marrying a rank stranger is no difficult thing....in fact it has been "so far so good" approach....it takes away too many unknowns and risks away, and gets you to know one of the best people i have got to know- Snigdha:)
4. if you intend to get married in any time in near future, 
• try finding a job with industry where late stays are not the norm
• plan shifting to a house near your office so you spend least on travel
• find a job where you could work from home (option 3 for me)

I know this is random ramblings, but one thing you end up losing in marriage is "Focus" - with so many things around you changing, its difficult to sit back, channel your thoughts and actually sit and type for long...and so adieu this time around....

and i'll create a new world sans you

for the days i would be deep at sea,
venturing into uncharted waters,
the waves tossing me around
alone in the fog and chill
and when the skies thundered me with storms and lightening
u were there, dear lighthouse, to guide me home

for all those days when i had a huge catch
and the days i returned empty handed
u showered ur light on me
illuminated my way, embraced me in ur light
just to light me up-  away from darkness

when out at sea, i could see u from a distance
knew there was someone waiting for me back there
knew u ll burn urself away in the dark night
so that i could be safe, i could face the seas
i could survive the treacherous fogs

u gave me the courage to venture ahead
in life, go to the deeper seas,
stay out in the dark
and still find my way back fighting the odds
coz i knew u waited there for me
u were my pillar of strength, and the sense of direction in life

and,then today,
i m far from the shore in the deep seas, all alone in the fog and chill
the waves tossing me around
venturing into uncharted waters,

and the skies threatening me with storms and lightening

u seem to have befriended the clouds
they surround you, embrace u
taking ur faint light away from me
i have nowhere to go
i dont know my way back
coz the only direction i rowed to was u
i am lost and wandering
coz the only landmark my life had was u

may be u ll turn ur light off for me
may be the clouds wont let u spreading ur light again
may be i ll never embrace ur light

but i won't go down without a fight
i ll fight the waves tossing me around
i ll fight the skies and thunderstorms
and i ll keep rowing till i m dead or drowned
and may be i'll find a new shore to return to
and i ll be the discoverer
of the new lands
where the seas are calmer, and the clouds not so dark
where fogs go away when i reach the shore
the rocks not so trecherous, and the nights not so dark

dear lighthouse, i ll create a new world,
without you, and be the sea warrior again

The book of accounts of relationships

Somewhere in the last few days, there have been a lot of happenings around me, since i posted last.

And then - a new job, a new house, and some new friends and acquaintances. And a new start with all these. In the interactions with this new set of people, one question which kept coming back to me is simple enough- if we really appreciate a set of people- do we actually keep a tab of "what s/he did to me" and "why did s/he not do this"?
I always maintained a differetial set of people around - People I use ( and I call them acquaintances) and people I get used by and vice versa( and I call them my friends), and for me the distinction is very clear- with friends I do not get into accounting for credits and debits of good and bad deeds. Since these people have reached the criteria of being my friends, they are above all these. The special people in my life come into this set, and I never had and never would(hopefully) question their intentions.
For the other set- keep them in good humor, do what is necessary to keep the acquaintance going, and then that's it. May be there is an inherent account here, but not on actuals. So I would probably "return favours" once in a while.
I assume, most people around me would have a similar distiction for themselves- the boudaries may differ, but the concept does not.
However, What astonishes me is that there are people who actually keep tabs on the special people- more so for the special people. And , may be that is why according to a friend of mine "a lot of changes happen to the girl of your dreams once you get married, all things which were acceptable before shaadi, simply become bones of contention after that".

Not sure if this is the best way to correlate what is happening to this close couple's relationship. Best of friends for a long time, now they fight over everything. Fingers are pointed, cribs flying to and fro, and short tempers frowning.
I recall there was a law in nuclear physics that we studied in school- something to do with molecular attraction ( do not remeber the exact name though) which basically said " Two molecular particles like electron and photon get strongly attracted to each other, and start moving closer to each other, when at a certain close distance they start repelling each other" and there was some fancy formula for this equation, at which repulsion would occur. I wonder if a similar formula does not occur in real life.

On the sidelines- here's another propellent of the "old school of love" - Devi Kiran , read this and couldn't agree more!!!

if Wishes come true

if wishes were horses,
i would have rode it all around, to know what to wish for
gallop the distances to know what is the best in the world,
and then wish for the same

if wishes were a flying carpet
i would fly over the world, the mountains and the valleys
the depths of green jungles, and the height of clouds
and see where is the heaven, and wish to be there

if wishes were an alchemist
i would touch all around me, turning it in to gold
and be the richest person ever, with gold all around me

if wishes were being together,
i wished all my friends would be with me
my family forever, all the pleasures in the world surround me

if wishes were to come true
i'll simply wish for you
and then together, we'll make all other wishes come true

Together we fall

what we think is what we are,
and then there are those who think different
to each one's own, and we lived like this all the time

its like the rail track, together yet distinct
we base the high speed trains on us, holding the energy and force together
and yet, I was myself, and you were you'
and we were "together yet different"

we traversed the lengths and the world like this,
went up the hills, crossed valleys, and jumped over rivers

and then we decided to cross our paths,
force my thoughts on you, and your thoughts on me
and then it was disaster,
the beauty was in the togetherness, not being one.....

us vs them

what we think is what we are,
and then there are those who think different
to each one's own, and we lived like this all the time

its like the rail track, together yet distinct
we base the high speed trains on us, holding the energy and force together
and yet, I was myself, and you were you'
and we were "together yet different"

we traversed the lengths and the world like this,
went up the hills, crossed valleys, and jumped over rivers

and then we decided to cross our paths,
force my thoughts on you, and your thoughts on me
and then it was disaster,
the beauty was in the togetherness, not being one.....

loneliness

there are days when the sun shines bright, and the bees and birds chirp all over,
the colors are pastel, and the contrasts amaze;
the sounds of music and chit chats muse into the ears...
and its a world full of frentic activity, me being the center of the universe


and today, the darkness crept over
the birds and bees shied away to their abodes,
the sounds died out into an eerie silence, blach shadows outstripped the pastel colours....


and u realised, center of universe is just another point in the universe

the devil of procastinating

well, it all comes back to haunt you - really :(
the coming months are all about decisions, and the tilting factors are all those things which I have been pushing forward for quite some time - the decisions in terms of a job switch and possible relocation, decisions in terms of figuring out if I should get married (finally) and the decisions in terms of shifting into a new house!!! and now all these are so intertwined into each other that all these decisions are completely messed up, leaving no clarity:( and no decisions:((

Working with the industry has really been disastrous for me, simply because I simply could not adjust to the dramatic change in pace, may be i m not used to working with a Boss( though the superiors here too have provided ample headroom), and the concept of hitting a roadblock just everywhere you try to move, compare it to the consulting - where work was aplenty, and so was creative thinking and independent movement in all directions, here I am starved for work- its so long that good or bad work does not matter any more, and i am confused that people around seem to be able to remain content in such an environment - its important for me to leave this place before I too become too complacent and happy with being unproductive ,and this leads me to the confusion. As they say grass is always green on the other side, and thus I always wanted to get to the industry( like numerous other consulting veterans) to see how dirty can the hands get ( do they really get dirty??), and 6 months into it, i am dying to get out....so the pertinent question is - is the next jump gonna be into the industry or consulting, could not afford to get it wrong again:( the problem here is of plenty- since I have options available at both ends, complicating it further.

Next is Shaadi - Ma is after my life and may be rightly so( if i look at the kids/virility displayed by my friends) - My answer to my mom's emotional tirade - "Main pote ka munh dekhe bina chali jaongi" is simple and straight - "Pota to bina shaadi ke bi ho sakta hai:)" - jokes apart i guess its time to settle down on this front. and then s next set of issues- knowing myself and my ideas of marriage  and companionship - I am NOT cut out for a arranged marriage, and i guess I have little time to fall in love( love at first sight does not exist for me), so here's the moot question - do you procastinate further to find the girl for you, or you simply jump in.

OK - too much of crib for a session.....time to hang up on this sad line of thoughts....Diwali is around the corner, and so wishes to everyone....have a safe and happy diwali

the uncomfortable feeling

have pondered over this even before - what are we running after ( here and here ). and somehow this is the dominant question which is coming back to haunt me again for the last few days. I did talk to a friend a while back about this uncomfortable feeling this week, and somehow i feel that the 2 hour chat just made me even more chiseled off simply because it made me put the hard things in discrete words - in essence making me  accept the things or thoughts i always chose to overlook.

so here's my dilemma - i have managed to reach a coveted position in my life- something others look up to - both professionally (where things speak for themselves), and personally ( well things don't really speak for themselves, but still)...from a material world perspective have done well for myself, have reached a decent spot in career, consider myself one of the luckier people around when it comes to career choices and education. Managed to get a good salary, bought the material possessions - car/house/shares/financial stability - all that people look for, and herein lies the problem - i need a new target now, because in its absence the same targets get rehashed in a bigger way, and come back and haunt you- now i need a bigger car, a bigger house, more money, and an even higher package, i seem to be perennially feeling dissatisfied with my job, what with looking for a fourth switch over a couple of years, with the first seven plus years in just two jobs. the issue seems to be that - these targets have been achieved, and since i could not really think on a different tangent...i am looking at going further along these redundant dimensions. Constant job dis-satisfaction is leading to too much heartburn, the current job is just perfect from a worldly sense- pays awesome, very little work, and great brand and job description, and I AM NOT LIKING IT. when people around ask me- why are you planning to quit, i tell them i don't like it, but do I really know what do I want. perhaps not- which reflects in my next prospective job- I know i do not like the work culture that exists there, but I am still going ahead simply because I want a change and a break, and I am ready to take the risk knowing fully well that I'll quit in less than a year. I am doing this since I feel decently insured for any fallback option  after that 1 year. I know i have another job waiting for me, and therein lies the problem - i am too complacent, too relaxed and too full of myself. It may sound arrogant to the world, yet deep inside me- i know I am not liking it. This is not me, this is not the same relaxed feeling that I had in the first 7 years of my job, then I was at peace with what I was doing, now I am not at peace with myself. Then i knew exactly what  i wanted, now i don't know what am i running after. PERFECT MIRAGE!!!

On a more personal front, I always had a vivid social life- lots of people around, lots of social activity and some great fun in small things. I always maintained ( and close people around me have heard this from me) - i have a lot of acquaintances and a few friends, i use acquaintances and allow friends to use me.  that was my motto in life- always, and i was really proud of the friends league- things have subtly change - the top line remains the same - lots of people around, lots of social activity and some great fun- but the context has changed- the undercurrents different - now i really yearn for the friends i could spend just any amount of time , i can have so much fun with so many people, but I really miss the heart-to-heart easy conversations, lunches and dinners are abound, but i miss the simple "chhole kulche" on a cycle with those friends, all the barista's and CCD and Costa coffees could not add up to a simple "chai" at HCL Manak building or at the Patel Chest crossing chai wala -simply because we now have friends of convenience- put up a status or comment on facebook, forward bulk SMS and emails, and you are friends, whatever happened to endless talks all night, and mindless gup-shap. 

OK ,these are all generic rants- why am I presssing with these ? Simply because these are things or traits I always hated, and the irony is I feel I am getting pushed to becoming the same stereotype i painted above, i know its hypocricy but i am "blogging" these thoughts instead of talking it out to someone in person. and thats the machination in my life that I am not comfortable with, my life is fast becoming an ordinary life - i was not made for the ordinary life, I deserve something special, something exciting - and i have lived the exciting life all these years......call me arrogant, but i will find MY life back so till I find my LIFE BACK, this blog gets the dose of my mind

The Theory of Relationships....

a few days i had posted(OK- copy pasted) from footloosedoll, about the pain of separating/break-up/letting go of someone you loved for dearly, last evening stumbled upon this. Similar line of thought....

In management - especially marketing courses we had these product lifecycle curves.....they start slowly, grow , and finally decline....

Somehow the relationship cycles are similar in nature, OK i know, a lot of people who are in love/relationships right now (really, or is it an infatuation??) would not agree to my theory of relationships life cycle...but may be would once they are on the leeward side of the curve Well, most posts mentioned above are from people who are at the extreme right end of the curve....they have been through a relationship, see sawed through the ups and downs, and are now feeling dumped at the other end. This is the basis of my now presented - "Theory of relationships" . All non-blood opposite sex relationships in the age bracket of 15-40 could be explained by the theory......don't believe me, read on The left part of the curve as shown above is like really something everyone knows....what with almost everyone i know having been through 1- Love affairs/romantic relationships

2- good friends/buddies/platonic relationships ( whether they exist in absolute terms or not is a different question altogether)

3- Arranged marriage mode/courtship period ; etc

however in each of these modes.....what really happens is this ( this is the consulting mind at its best....life through 3X4 matrix...he he }-)) ,

And now for the symptoms of each of these matrix elements

A1 - the most happening of the lot, in many cases this is the shortest period, sample this

He - will u be friends with me?

She - SLAP (scenario 1)/ (shyly) (smile) eh-huh-yes

Alternately ( the long route, also shared with the A2 phase) -

He ( sitting in canteen/bus/local train) (staring into oblivion from where the girl would emerge) sigh!!! ( for the first 3 months ) followed by sharing class notes/office work( people from IT industry would relate to this)/smiling shyly when meeting with group of common friends. 6 months later, the togetherness grows into the B1/B2 phase.

B1 - the most awesome phase in a life of relationship. movies. long drives, unending phone calls, gifts, flowers, whispering on the phone, blank calls( a relic of the long gone by time when we only had landlines, and the girl's mom/dad/brother/sister picked up the phone) - the time when u know all about the girls likings, remember about the blue orchid that the girl praised at a friends birthday party, and you decide to blow up all your pocketmoney/more "Udhaar" to gift her the blue orchids bouquet on valentines/college passout day/last day in office....u agree to buy and wear a red polka dots jacket since the lady in question thinks you look awesome in it, (while everyone else around including your street dog barks against it), u never think twice about flipping out your credit card in a shopping spree with the girl, at the expensive coffee shops et al, and only think twice ( and thrice and n number of times) when ur card bill finally comes in...."bhaiya ye paisa kahan se chukaoonga main......???". In most cases the near sightedness keep growing in the phase until u have lost track of all friends and the only thing that you could look at is the lady in question. There are certain catalysts to the buildup phase, which lead to immidiate target market capture - things like outstation trips/onsite trips together, driving back on a bike in rain, accidently barging into the girls room when she has just come back from washing her hair ( the evergreen scene is residential colleges/IIT/IIMs etc), kisses n hugs, the first time the girl shared some of her most intimate secrets soaked with tears, and the guy offered his shoulder/shirt to wipe them away....even more effective is the kissing away the tears from the cheeks sequence (some cheek some guys have....eh:))

In most case the delineation of the current growth phase end is in bed, when the relationship life cycle reaches the zenith....the guy is on top of the world, and the girl overwhelmed with the gifts/attention/affection she is showered with. ( Corollary of the theory of relationships - if people do not agree to the theory, they have not yet reached the zenith, as what goes up also come down - As newton's law of gravity prophesised)

TO BE CONTINUED.....

some feelings are universal.....

was just passing through some of the friend's blogs for the lack of nothing better to do, and then on to their friends, and so on....till i reached a blog, and there was this post on footloosedoll that caught my attention... there are certain themes which run across blogs, a lot of people crib about the life they are into, some sing odes to their love lives, a few people write shakespearean level lingo to convey their thoughts(the themes obviously i could not make out due to the greeko-latin english that people use), and then there is the story of broken hearts, like the one in the post above. Some of the lines from the post are simple super-imposable on just about everyone i know including yours truly, savour this "I want to leave behind all that I remember of you." "And while you’re at it, try to take away this stupid hope I have, that in reality, all this is just a scary dream. I promise you, one day, you will stop mattering. I promise myself, one day, very soon, I’ll start living again"

the words may be different, the thoughts are the same.....and this equally applies to people you called ur friends...."My best friend's wedding" was n;t a joke...and i have seen the best people falter....From the quant classes in MBA, i would really like to understand the probability of a breakup in any randomly picked up relationship....is it so close to 100%, or is it just that the people who are happy and successful with their relationships choose not to display it to the world at large, and so noone ever gets to know...

bleed, my heart, bleed silently....for every sob would bring out more broken hearts out of the closets...