Reflections

well, here I am again at the blog, after may be the most happening 4 months of my life.....and here are the lessons I learnt while at living it....

1. Its always more fun at other's weddings....ur own is a "smile-till-your-cheek-hurts" affair, when u are made to pose in random ways with your "better half" on stage for the benefit of the photographer, who charges a bomb for clicking your snaps in god-forsaken stupid poses, and then takes forever to deliver the snaps to you - and you while away smiling to strangers while your good friends are giggling and laughing away to all those memories you are a part of....
2. Deciding a menu for your wedding ranks next to "building a red fort and staying in a shanty" experience- 'coz all those tikkas you planned to melt away in your mouth, are sovoured by the guests while you melt away to the glaring hot halogen lights of the videograoher:(
3. After being a staunch votary of love marriage, or atleast know thou beau for all these years, marrying a rank stranger is no difficult thing....in fact it has been "so far so good" approach....it takes away too many unknowns and risks away, and gets you to know one of the best people i have got to know- Snigdha:)
4. if you intend to get married in any time in near future, 
• try finding a job with industry where late stays are not the norm
• plan shifting to a house near your office so you spend least on travel
• find a job where you could work from home (option 3 for me)

I know this is random ramblings, but one thing you end up losing in marriage is "Focus" - with so many things around you changing, its difficult to sit back, channel your thoughts and actually sit and type for long...and so adieu this time around....

The quest of happiness

beyond the mountains
and past that unsurmountable passes
there would be a place
which lies untouched

by the corporate liars that we are
untouched by the luxuries, we should live without, but cannot live without
where the air is not polluted by greed and one-up-manship
where the water is serene and pure

where the beauty is not measured by lowest deep cut blouses
and there's more to admire than skimpy business suits

where time is not dependent on blackberry schedules and outlook calendars
and you are not running for the next tight meeting

when all u meet is nature, beauty and a little bit of you
where the clear skies clean your views.....

Happiness - spelled for now as Sikkim, snow capped , in December....my next destination.....( the following pic made the decision)

Picture Courtesy - http://www.bcmtouring.com/forum/travelogues-east-north-east-india-f64/north-sikkim-switzerland-east-winter-t19019-2/

the devil of procastinating

well, it all comes back to haunt you - really :(
the coming months are all about decisions, and the tilting factors are all those things which I have been pushing forward for quite some time - the decisions in terms of a job switch and possible relocation, decisions in terms of figuring out if I should get married (finally) and the decisions in terms of shifting into a new house!!! and now all these are so intertwined into each other that all these decisions are completely messed up, leaving no clarity:( and no decisions:((

Working with the industry has really been disastrous for me, simply because I simply could not adjust to the dramatic change in pace, may be i m not used to working with a Boss( though the superiors here too have provided ample headroom), and the concept of hitting a roadblock just everywhere you try to move, compare it to the consulting - where work was aplenty, and so was creative thinking and independent movement in all directions, here I am starved for work- its so long that good or bad work does not matter any more, and i am confused that people around seem to be able to remain content in such an environment - its important for me to leave this place before I too become too complacent and happy with being unproductive ,and this leads me to the confusion. As they say grass is always green on the other side, and thus I always wanted to get to the industry( like numerous other consulting veterans) to see how dirty can the hands get ( do they really get dirty??), and 6 months into it, i am dying to get out....so the pertinent question is - is the next jump gonna be into the industry or consulting, could not afford to get it wrong again:( the problem here is of plenty- since I have options available at both ends, complicating it further.

Next is Shaadi - Ma is after my life and may be rightly so( if i look at the kids/virility displayed by my friends) - My answer to my mom's emotional tirade - "Main pote ka munh dekhe bina chali jaongi" is simple and straight - "Pota to bina shaadi ke bi ho sakta hai:)" - jokes apart i guess its time to settle down on this front. and then s next set of issues- knowing myself and my ideas of marriage  and companionship - I am NOT cut out for a arranged marriage, and i guess I have little time to fall in love( love at first sight does not exist for me), so here's the moot question - do you procastinate further to find the girl for you, or you simply jump in.

OK - too much of crib for a session.....time to hang up on this sad line of thoughts....Diwali is around the corner, and so wishes to everyone....have a safe and happy diwali

the uncomfortable feeling

have pondered over this even before - what are we running after ( here and here ). and somehow this is the dominant question which is coming back to haunt me again for the last few days. I did talk to a friend a while back about this uncomfortable feeling this week, and somehow i feel that the 2 hour chat just made me even more chiseled off simply because it made me put the hard things in discrete words - in essence making me  accept the things or thoughts i always chose to overlook.

so here's my dilemma - i have managed to reach a coveted position in my life- something others look up to - both professionally (where things speak for themselves), and personally ( well things don't really speak for themselves, but still)...from a material world perspective have done well for myself, have reached a decent spot in career, consider myself one of the luckier people around when it comes to career choices and education. Managed to get a good salary, bought the material possessions - car/house/shares/financial stability - all that people look for, and herein lies the problem - i need a new target now, because in its absence the same targets get rehashed in a bigger way, and come back and haunt you- now i need a bigger car, a bigger house, more money, and an even higher package, i seem to be perennially feeling dissatisfied with my job, what with looking for a fourth switch over a couple of years, with the first seven plus years in just two jobs. the issue seems to be that - these targets have been achieved, and since i could not really think on a different tangent...i am looking at going further along these redundant dimensions. Constant job dis-satisfaction is leading to too much heartburn, the current job is just perfect from a worldly sense- pays awesome, very little work, and great brand and job description, and I AM NOT LIKING IT. when people around ask me- why are you planning to quit, i tell them i don't like it, but do I really know what do I want. perhaps not- which reflects in my next prospective job- I know i do not like the work culture that exists there, but I am still going ahead simply because I want a change and a break, and I am ready to take the risk knowing fully well that I'll quit in less than a year. I am doing this since I feel decently insured for any fallback option  after that 1 year. I know i have another job waiting for me, and therein lies the problem - i am too complacent, too relaxed and too full of myself. It may sound arrogant to the world, yet deep inside me- i know I am not liking it. This is not me, this is not the same relaxed feeling that I had in the first 7 years of my job, then I was at peace with what I was doing, now I am not at peace with myself. Then i knew exactly what  i wanted, now i don't know what am i running after. PERFECT MIRAGE!!!

On a more personal front, I always had a vivid social life- lots of people around, lots of social activity and some great fun in small things. I always maintained ( and close people around me have heard this from me) - i have a lot of acquaintances and a few friends, i use acquaintances and allow friends to use me.  that was my motto in life- always, and i was really proud of the friends league- things have subtly change - the top line remains the same - lots of people around, lots of social activity and some great fun- but the context has changed- the undercurrents different - now i really yearn for the friends i could spend just any amount of time , i can have so much fun with so many people, but I really miss the heart-to-heart easy conversations, lunches and dinners are abound, but i miss the simple "chhole kulche" on a cycle with those friends, all the barista's and CCD and Costa coffees could not add up to a simple "chai" at HCL Manak building or at the Patel Chest crossing chai wala -simply because we now have friends of convenience- put up a status or comment on facebook, forward bulk SMS and emails, and you are friends, whatever happened to endless talks all night, and mindless gup-shap. 

OK ,these are all generic rants- why am I presssing with these ? Simply because these are things or traits I always hated, and the irony is I feel I am getting pushed to becoming the same stereotype i painted above, i know its hypocricy but i am "blogging" these thoughts instead of talking it out to someone in person. and thats the machination in my life that I am not comfortable with, my life is fast becoming an ordinary life - i was not made for the ordinary life, I deserve something special, something exciting - and i have lived the exciting life all these years......call me arrogant, but i will find MY life back so till I find my LIFE BACK, this blog gets the dose of my mind

musings mood again

sitting at a dhaba behind my school with a good friend of mine, i had a aloo parantha and egg bhurji for dinner....well for old times sake, and this friend stares at the happy face that i had, and said..."aaj fir kuch nostalgic sa likhega tu blog pe".....well i can not make my friend turn out to be a liar, can I???? so here goes another senti wali post another week, another aimlessly wandering 7 days....since last wednesday --> work followed by awesome dinner with friends, work, allnighter party, drive out of town, little work, work, work followed by nostalgic dinner at a dhaba which goes back 20 years in my life ( the dhaba at refugee market behind my hostel at modern school....some old times)..... days just seem to float past, and each new week, each new day comes back with the same feelings, same old story...high time i changed this pattern.... break free from the shackles, do something different..... way back there was a difficult hindi word that i had learnt - mrigtrishna (mirage), and when i reflect upon the last week capped by the dhaba dinner today...it seems to be the story of my life....that hostel life probably was the age of innocence- of sweet nothings in daily life, of a life sans air conditioners, of a 50 rupee pocketmoney, of cricket sessions in the sun, of simply chatting all night with room-mates, and jumping the school boundary to go get a parantha from the dhaba at 1 in night....there was no hurry, fursat ke din....when we had ambitions, and the urge to achieve them.... when all these sweet nothings had a meaning in everyday life.... that followed engineering, in an era when there were 3 engineering colleges in Delhi-NCR, we were the achievers....cracko.....!!! a job on campus followed by a world tour all paid by the employers under the garb of onsite trips, a stint at IIM where loads of others want to be, a job with a top consulting company, a wallet full of more debit and credit cards that the actual cash i ever carried to the dhaba ( that used to be 3 rupees for an egg paratha, and i carried 5 bucks to the dhaba:)), and at the same dhaba, i was nostalgic, but not happy- not content.....whew.... am i the only cribber, ( i realised that most posts on this blog are cribs) or others feel the same too.....not that I am against parties, against pubs and discs and 5K dinners, but somehow nothing seems to beat the basic parathas n chai on the hostel rooftop....why is it so? even today I want to go higher up in the professional career, and may be i would, I m doing pretty well for myself, I have managed a GOOD(ok people who know me would pounce on me for this) work life balance, and i yearn for a little more.... PS- thank dost, hope u now know why is it called the refugee market, and YES, you were the only girl in refugee market }-)

for that peaceful easy feeling

Long time, since i wrote last....blame it on lethargy, and blame it on being busy in spurts.... Lots has happened since last time, and innumerable thoughts crossed my mind, every time i thought that i should write, and then i gave up. Would try to type in as much as i could recall, though the intensity would have subdued:) First and foremost, the Kanwar yatra passing through Delhi, every year, makes me think...we are running after money, material world, flashy cars, more money, high tech mobiles, and then there is this other India, where people are more than happy to walk across 300 kilometers or more over weeks and days, whatever be the religious significance, For us delhi-ites even religion is luxury item....we tend to go to the most flashy temple, where we feel happy about putting in obscene sums in the hundi/daan patra, the pandits judge you by the weight on the thali that you bring in, and the time in front of the idol varies directly with the "chadhawa" that you have offered, we go to temples in cars, and insist on parking the cars right in front of the temple, causing jams, all to please the gods....trying to buy god through money and limited time, and here are loads of people who are trying to please the gods by their own labour, no money, little dikhawa....and we call them old fashioned. these guys actually have 2 weeks of time on their hand to do what they feel is correct, how many of us in the cities have that luxury, for us weekends are shrinking and work hours increasing...we socialise with friends at pubs and discs, these people socialise with people all the way...beat that, and yours truly really wants to go "kanwar yatra" with friends, may be for no religious reason, but to simply have some quality time spent with friends, and may be that 200 km odd walk would do something good for weight loss , than months of gym:) This brings me to the next thought, and we have discussed this at office and among friends as to how we are becoming more and more unsocial, if that is the correct word. Every one i meet or talk to( OK - my age group +/- 5 years) seems to crib that the world has got more digitised now....more materialistic, we were kids and played badminton at nights, vish amrit, chain chain, and school cricket with paper and polythene balls....we played with no tools, just games out of nowhere, all you had to get was to catch hold of 2 or more people from your locality, parks were full of kids, and we knew the kids staying on the other extreme of the colony....you knew everyone, who ran fast, who studied where, and who had the maximum number of comics, and the best bats. now the kids play video games, chat on the computer, watch movies and that's the end of it, parents don't send kids to parks...or at best allow them to play the elite game of cricket. Till around 10 years back, rakhi and independence day used to all about kites....now its about sales and malls and movies, it used to be evening walks and parents taking kids to parks in the morning and evening, now its TV and saas bahu soaps, the only broken glass and window pane that you see is in TV ads.....and i have a serious question to all who read this post....don't you want to get back to those simpler times, i know money is important, but money is turning all of us into an endless rat race.....i love watching movies in multiplexes with tickets worth 200 bucks each, but the charm of actually standing in line for a 6.50 ticket at Priya was priceless.....we can buy almost everything everywhere, but you could not get the pleasure of being the last one running in the chain game, surrounded by chains of people everywhere, and laughing merrily at the person who was pulled by the chain, the weakest link, breaking off just before the other end of the chain caught you..... so how does this crib session fit into the marriage thing, well i really need to have a partner, who could enjoy the simpler things in life, as much as she could relish the materialistic world. someone who could go street shopping with me with equal ease as in a mall. someone who would not mind a drive into leh, only to fly back business class.....someone who could dream big, but with her feet to the ground, and her hand in my hand...... getting mushy, and also getting lethargic, now i would try and jot down things as they happen, so expect more posts here...till then, adieu!!

Picture - the Tranquil hills at Lansdowne, End June, The trip that made me even more city-hater

The story of my life....

Thanks to kid for sharing this on facebook.....Somehow the scrip says it all

Credit/Source : http://www.ice-tray.net/

Weekend away from Madness....

OK, I have always thought of finally settling down in a small town when i am done with my corporate life, and with whatever limited knowledge I have about the cities, Lucknow and Patna, along with BHopal and Jaipur top the list. And this weekedn I was in Lucknow, I just felt that I really need to cut short the maddening corporate life that I am currently into, and well...settle down in one of these places. Well, to begin with, was in Lucknow on Thursday...and what a day it was, lazing around, with people, relatives and friends, who actually have time in their lives, they are also working, making money and carrying on with their lives, yet they have so much of peace and time in their lives, that I was jealous ;P Went "Gunj-ing" , had chaat and kulfi, and some amazing mango sessions, with taaje tode hue dussehri aam....and just to bring out the contrast in life, I was actually trying to attend to a official call while at Hazratgunj, while the rest of the people were enjoying shopping, and that was when I had actually applied for a chutti, and was on a vacation.....mera vacation aur unka working day...need i say more.... People talk to you as human beings, traffic is easy, and no one is in a hurry. People actually talk to you, "aap" is the order of the day than the "tu" we are all used to.....wtf am i doing with my life??? and as if to rub salt in my wounds, the next couple of days were at Siwan, a small town on UP-Bihar border, bang in the middle of the "purabiya" belt.....have some property there, and so have to go there every once in a while,used to actually go there and spend the entire vacations while in school there with my family---playing games in the huge house, and spending the veneings in AAm and Litchi bageechas, that's a place that belies every conventional logic we have, Delhi- AC is the order of the day, and here I was in Siwan, where there was no electricity for more than 4 hours in the 2 days that I was there, and there was no sweat, I could sit in the room inside the 100 year old house that we have, and there was cool breeze.the only time i needed bijli was to charge my cell:)....there are people who could tell you endless stories about your family, and you know the entire mohalla and a lot more people, when the person sitting in the municipal property tax department knows your family and the linkages within, I actually slept under the stars, on the roof of the house, gazing into the sky - into the millions of the stars, of all shapes and formations....staying in flats in delhi, ihad simply forgotten how stars look like, except for those late night ice creams at India Gate :) All this was at a level of city, but what stands out the most are the people, there are millionaires in Siwan, with shops and lands and businesses, and there are literal cliff hangers, people with chai shops who do not even earn say 50 bucks a day, and they are all happy, they know each other, and the families know each other, the chai wali from the chowk was actually sitting at our place, talking to my mother , who apparently is the "bahu of the town", the amazing thing was that she was happy and content with what she ws doing, unlike all of us thouroghbred MBA and engineers who think two hoots before jumping another job for a few thousand or few lakhs.....businesses open at 530 in morning only to close at 10 in the morning and then open again in evening- 5-8 , since it was too hot in the afternoon, and people wanted to just go back home...you could actually survive with 20 rupees for 3 square meals in the day, and yet again no one was in a hurry....I really wish there was a way that i could go back and do something in Siwan, something that ll keep me busy, and gets me money too, and I'll be more than happy to go there and settle down. One of my batchmates, NItesh , belongs to Ptna, has a job in Patna with a multinaitonal salary....and i feel there is no way anyone can beat it..... come to think of it, what keep these people happy.....is it the simplicity of thought?? or is it the lack of oneupmanship.....I may be a pauper living on literally nothing, but people were calm and would offer tea to anyone who comes to them.....why can all of us not be like them, what do they have or know that we don't??