एक रईस  था मैं
दरख्तों भरा बगीचा था
हर एक पेड़ खून पसीने से सींचा था
एक ख़ुशी का आलम था , और
चहचाहट थी खुशियों की
अकेला था पर गम न था कोई

फिर आप दिखे एक मोड़ पर मुझे
अपनी मस्ती में खिलखिलाते हुए
न जाने क्यूँ समझा मैं की साथ की जरूरत है मुझे
साथ देने को आपका उस खुशनुमा बाग से निकल कर धुप में

साथ रहे  सड़कों पर हम
जब कुछ नहीं था पास हमारे
आलम था गरीबी का फिर भी
उस साथ पर फक्र था हमें
हर लम्हे की ख़ुशी लेते रहे तुम और हम खिलखिलाना ही देखते रहे

आज बहुत कुछ पा  लिया तुमने ,
तो अब ये साथ सालता है
गुरूर है तुम्हे उस रईसी का आज
आज येही साथ काट खाता है तुम्हे
आगे बढ़ गए तुम उस धुप से

मेरे उस दरख़्त पर अब किसी और का बाशिंदा है
धुप में जलते पैरों के साथ
आगे बढ़ता जाऊँगा मैं अकेले ही
फिर एक बग़ीचा बनेगा सूखी ज़मीन से
सबक दिया है मुझे ज़िन्दगी का तुमने
इस सबक को भूल न पाऊँगा

आज इलज़ाम है मुझ पर

जब आप के बुत की परछाईं में जीते थे हम
तब आपके चाहने वालों की शुमार में आते थे ,
आज उनके मुस्सलिमे के तले ठहरे तो
आपने उसे बुतपरस्ती बता मुझे काफ़िर बना दिया ..

आप की हर चोट पर हम उफ्फ्फ भी न करते थे
कभी आपका ग़म कभी गुस्सा समझा
पर आज जब आईना पकडे सामने आये आपके
ऊँगली उठाने का हमें इलज़ाम दे दिया ...

अब से माहौल बदलने लगा

एक दिन जो जैसे सालों बाद आया था
जब सूरज उगा नहीं
जब चाँद ने चांदनी बिखेरने से इनकार कर दिया

उस दिन आपसे मुदस्सर न हुई धडकनें
उस दिन न बरसा नूर आप की आवाजों का

और फिर बस ऐसे ही दिन बनते गए
न आप हैं न आप की खुशबू इस माहौल में
न उम्मीद है की उस हरफ के पीछे से खिलखिलाते आप चले आयेंगे

अब इस माहौल से पोशीदा हूँ मैं
और ये माहौल मेरे चारों तरफ फैलता जाता है

बिन शब्दों जो कहना चाहता था तुमसे

जब बरखा की वो बूँदें गिरती थी सूखे पत्तों पर

पत्ते खिल उठते थे हरे भरे से 

कभी न कुछ कहा उन बूंदों ने 

सिर्फ एक स्पर्श बहुत था ये बताने को

कि बूंदों को प्यार है इस धरा से 

धरा कि हर सूखी पत्ती से

जब नदी ने सागर को समर्पित किया था खुद को -

जब अस्तित्व मिटा कर खो गयी थी सागर में, 

कुछ भी न कहा था उस नदी ने खुद को खो कर भी 

यूं भी कोई शब्द बयाँ न कर पाता उस समर्पण को

यूं तो हैं कोटि शब्द उस शब्दावली में 

लेकिन उनके कंधे पे सर रख के रोने में वो सुकून है 

जो उन लाखों शब्दों के ढेर में नहीं मिलता -

नवजात शिशु की बंद पलकों संग , बंधी मुठ्ठी में 

माँ की ऊँगली पकड़ते प्रेम को किस शब्द में बयाँ कर पायेगी शब्दावली

जब शब्द नहीं कह सकते मेरे अंतर्मन की पीड़ा 

नहीं जता सकते इस ह्रदय का प्रेम

उस मुहब्बत की जुबान नहीं बन सकते

तो क्यूँ शब्दों की दुहाई देते हैं वो मुझे

कुछ न कहा मैंने कभी 

तो आँखों की ख़ामोशी का क्या कोई मोल नहीं

हर स्पर्श क्या नहीं कह जाता था हाल ए दिल तुम से---

न जाने क्यूँ वो एहसास न समझ पाए तुम

न जाने इन शब्दों का भी क्या अर्थ हो

पर चाहता हूँ, इन शब्दों में छुपे 

उस प्यार को समझाने में तुम समर्थ हो 

the last rendezvous!!

when we met last, you smiled at me

that stroll by the trees, and the look in your eyes

the tinkle in your giggle, the breeze whispering

and then winds picked up speed

it was a storm,  which hit us in the face

the gust of winds that blew us apart

and i did not know when we met last

that it was the last time i met you

once i was fearless
and conquered the world
since nothing would stop me
when the world changed i changed with it
so the new world would not frighten me again
was a friend with the world, and the world a friend to me

and then, one day, i became slower than the change
the world changed around me
and i did not move

i was afraid in the new world
felt the world had betrayed me
and so began the fight against the world
everything was adversary, everyone a enemy
they all appeared to scheme against me

i fought harder, only to find more enemies all around
i was restless to win
to be surrounded by a world full of friends

and then i killed my friends
since i could no longer see them as friends
and then i was all alone
fighting the entire world
the fiefdom i had kept shrinking
and then one day
when i lost to all
i started fighting myself
cut me bit me chopped me to pieces
i felt i had won
and then the pain came to haunt me
only to know i had killed my self

Bangladesh....part 1- the good part

Consulting is a strange profession - you crib about doing things- and when those things are over you like them...the last couple of projects have been different - i enjoyed doing them as well, and the last of these took me to Dhaka in Bangladesh - so it was good work plus some travel that I so wanted to do ( the other bit being Pakistan where I really want to go - to know the other people)


Well, Dhaka !! just an extension of Calcutta... is the first thing that hits you the moment u get out of the airport - same graffiti on the wall, same people, just this that the cars are very different - no yellow ambassadors :) the car for the hotel pickup was a Toyota Land cruiser!!! in fact- Dhaka is full of Japanese cars - Toyota, Honda and Mitsubishi - all large saloons- too much for a poor country :) (almost all cars are refurbished as told to me later by locals, and its a matter of pride to have a large car - and that s why smaller refurbished car has not takers, new small cars have no takers, and well no other small cars have no takers) - the government is even worse than India- politics overwhelmingly omnipresent in everything, and yet Dhaka has managed to complete feats which we have always backtracked on - Dhaka is a no polythene city - YES - it is maintained as such - and for all the crap heard in Delhi against it remains such - veggies and all stuff is given out in paper bags or nice sweet thread bags...(Too much of democracy of pittance in India - we can not even impress this upon ourself) - the other really nice thing - Dhaka has all private vehicles running on CNG- all autos, cars et all....

Random mumblings

Almost five months after taking the wedding vows, I am a changed man!! or so says, Gopal jee....one of the nice people I know from the old world school of thinking.... (incidently, I am a misplaced concoction - lost between new world and old world ) - i don't really agree


What i do agree to is the fact that things have changed - my house, my job and my life - and so have some of the thoughts and beliefs I lived with all these years - am trying to put some of them into perspective, words don't do justice to the complexities of life though :)

• Marriage isn't demanding - but the way we are born and brought up in life requires us to be nice people to the others around, and others may include wife - and so you start restricting yourself, so that the lady who has moved in leaving her life behind does not face the brunt of your adventurisms -- in my case "Biwi" has been supportive and never said a thing , and YET I have drastically reduced the outings and parties - this is also partially because my office is now 40 km from my house, and half the time I am more happy beating the traffic at rush hour, than plan late evening jists with friends
• A wise friend once told me "don't change three things together - house/city , work and social circle" - in my case the all 3 have badly changed and it shows up - i am still lost like a zombie!

Well, am planning a 15 day vacation sometime in January - February, and just can't seem to finalize the place...help me if you could - initial thoughts - Sri Lanka-Maldives or Bangkok-Cambodia-Vietnam or the north east...any more suggestions - welcome

Reflections

well, here I am again at the blog, after may be the most happening 4 months of my life.....and here are the lessons I learnt while at living it....

1. Its always more fun at other's weddings....ur own is a "smile-till-your-cheek-hurts" affair, when u are made to pose in random ways with your "better half" on stage for the benefit of the photographer, who charges a bomb for clicking your snaps in god-forsaken stupid poses, and then takes forever to deliver the snaps to you - and you while away smiling to strangers while your good friends are giggling and laughing away to all those memories you are a part of....
2. Deciding a menu for your wedding ranks next to "building a red fort and staying in a shanty" experience- 'coz all those tikkas you planned to melt away in your mouth, are sovoured by the guests while you melt away to the glaring hot halogen lights of the videograoher:(
3. After being a staunch votary of love marriage, or atleast know thou beau for all these years, marrying a rank stranger is no difficult thing....in fact it has been "so far so good" approach....it takes away too many unknowns and risks away, and gets you to know one of the best people i have got to know- Snigdha:)
4. if you intend to get married in any time in near future, 
• try finding a job with industry where late stays are not the norm
• plan shifting to a house near your office so you spend least on travel
• find a job where you could work from home (option 3 for me)

I know this is random ramblings, but one thing you end up losing in marriage is "Focus" - with so many things around you changing, its difficult to sit back, channel your thoughts and actually sit and type for long...and so adieu this time around....

and i'll create a new world sans you

for the days i would be deep at sea,
venturing into uncharted waters,
the waves tossing me around
alone in the fog and chill
and when the skies thundered me with storms and lightening
u were there, dear lighthouse, to guide me home

for all those days when i had a huge catch
and the days i returned empty handed
u showered ur light on me
illuminated my way, embraced me in ur light
just to light me up-  away from darkness

when out at sea, i could see u from a distance
knew there was someone waiting for me back there
knew u ll burn urself away in the dark night
so that i could be safe, i could face the seas
i could survive the treacherous fogs

u gave me the courage to venture ahead
in life, go to the deeper seas,
stay out in the dark
and still find my way back fighting the odds
coz i knew u waited there for me
u were my pillar of strength, and the sense of direction in life

and,then today,
i m far from the shore in the deep seas, all alone in the fog and chill
the waves tossing me around
venturing into uncharted waters,

and the skies threatening me with storms and lightening

u seem to have befriended the clouds
they surround you, embrace u
taking ur faint light away from me
i have nowhere to go
i dont know my way back
coz the only direction i rowed to was u
i am lost and wandering
coz the only landmark my life had was u

may be u ll turn ur light off for me
may be the clouds wont let u spreading ur light again
may be i ll never embrace ur light

but i won't go down without a fight
i ll fight the waves tossing me around
i ll fight the skies and thunderstorms
and i ll keep rowing till i m dead or drowned
and may be i'll find a new shore to return to
and i ll be the discoverer
of the new lands
where the seas are calmer, and the clouds not so dark
where fogs go away when i reach the shore
the rocks not so trecherous, and the nights not so dark

dear lighthouse, i ll create a new world,
without you, and be the sea warrior again