the uncomfortable feeling

have pondered over this even before - what are we running after ( here and here ). and somehow this is the dominant question which is coming back to haunt me again for the last few days. I did talk to a friend a while back about this uncomfortable feeling this week, and somehow i feel that the 2 hour chat just made me even more chiseled off simply because it made me put the hard things in discrete words - in essence making me  accept the things or thoughts i always chose to overlook.

so here's my dilemma - i have managed to reach a coveted position in my life- something others look up to - both professionally (where things speak for themselves), and personally ( well things don't really speak for themselves, but still)...from a material world perspective have done well for myself, have reached a decent spot in career, consider myself one of the luckier people around when it comes to career choices and education. Managed to get a good salary, bought the material possessions - car/house/shares/financial stability - all that people look for, and herein lies the problem - i need a new target now, because in its absence the same targets get rehashed in a bigger way, and come back and haunt you- now i need a bigger car, a bigger house, more money, and an even higher package, i seem to be perennially feeling dissatisfied with my job, what with looking for a fourth switch over a couple of years, with the first seven plus years in just two jobs. the issue seems to be that - these targets have been achieved, and since i could not really think on a different tangent...i am looking at going further along these redundant dimensions. Constant job dis-satisfaction is leading to too much heartburn, the current job is just perfect from a worldly sense- pays awesome, very little work, and great brand and job description, and I AM NOT LIKING IT. when people around ask me- why are you planning to quit, i tell them i don't like it, but do I really know what do I want. perhaps not- which reflects in my next prospective job- I know i do not like the work culture that exists there, but I am still going ahead simply because I want a change and a break, and I am ready to take the risk knowing fully well that I'll quit in less than a year. I am doing this since I feel decently insured for any fallback option  after that 1 year. I know i have another job waiting for me, and therein lies the problem - i am too complacent, too relaxed and too full of myself. It may sound arrogant to the world, yet deep inside me- i know I am not liking it. This is not me, this is not the same relaxed feeling that I had in the first 7 years of my job, then I was at peace with what I was doing, now I am not at peace with myself. Then i knew exactly what  i wanted, now i don't know what am i running after. PERFECT MIRAGE!!!

On a more personal front, I always had a vivid social life- lots of people around, lots of social activity and some great fun in small things. I always maintained ( and close people around me have heard this from me) - i have a lot of acquaintances and a few friends, i use acquaintances and allow friends to use me.  that was my motto in life- always, and i was really proud of the friends league- things have subtly change - the top line remains the same - lots of people around, lots of social activity and some great fun- but the context has changed- the undercurrents different - now i really yearn for the friends i could spend just any amount of time , i can have so much fun with so many people, but I really miss the heart-to-heart easy conversations, lunches and dinners are abound, but i miss the simple "chhole kulche" on a cycle with those friends, all the barista's and CCD and Costa coffees could not add up to a simple "chai" at HCL Manak building or at the Patel Chest crossing chai wala -simply because we now have friends of convenience- put up a status or comment on facebook, forward bulk SMS and emails, and you are friends, whatever happened to endless talks all night, and mindless gup-shap. 

OK ,these are all generic rants- why am I presssing with these ? Simply because these are things or traits I always hated, and the irony is I feel I am getting pushed to becoming the same stereotype i painted above, i know its hypocricy but i am "blogging" these thoughts instead of talking it out to someone in person. and thats the machination in my life that I am not comfortable with, my life is fast becoming an ordinary life - i was not made for the ordinary life, I deserve something special, something exciting - and i have lived the exciting life all these years......call me arrogant, but i will find MY life back so till I find my LIFE BACK, this blog gets the dose of my mind

back after a while

well loooooooooooong since I wrote last, and it has been a real happening time, too many changes, and too many plusses in the last 10 or so months....

on a personal front- new house, new job(and a mind to get out of that too as well), new friends, and finally making up my mind to getting married(still to find the girl though:)- things that were on the plate for long...kind of coming true in a short time.....been one of the better years as far as i could remember....no major hiccups, and i guess i should shut up before "mujhe apni nazar lag jaaye"

I , somehow, have known a lot of people who had a roller-coaster marriage, people who looked like "made for each other" getting undone in no time- and this year added a couple of more very close friends face the music - reasons ranging all the way from extra marital relations to adjustment issues...and everytime i repeat to myself- this does not happen to everyone....some people recouped their lives post a turmoil, others are yet to do that....all i wish is that my friends deserve the best lives (by the virtue of being my friends :)) and their lives should include all those people who matter to them...including their spouses, and I hope I make the correct choice when i come to that , so that I do not go through this rut....AMEN!!!

i know this post is a completely incoherent lost talk,but i guess this is important since I have thought about blogging a lot of times in these days, and have never done that, so in some ways it is the beginning again, and so anything goes. Hopefully the blogging would be a little more regular- given the amount of time I have in my current job